*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"CARD CAPTOR SCIENCE THEATER 3000’s DEEP FRIED SPAM"
EPISODE 3: WHY RPGS SHOULD BE SEVERELY CENSORED AN DEVOID OF CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
MSTed From the Desk of Card Captor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun)
This is a MSTing of a rant by Stephen Gohan.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
“Card Captor Sakura” is a trademark of CLAMP and those who distribute it.
(Cue "Card Captor Science Theater 3000 Spam Theme" in 5....4....3....)
It's the not-too-distant future,
Last Sunday BC
There was this group of teenagers
Not so different from you or me
They went to find their missing friends
And came across some evil ends
They tried to run away and flee,
But Eriol managed to capture them
And he dropped them in the sea!!!!
Yamazaki: (Did you know…)
Chiharu: (Don’t start!)
We'll send them crappy spam mail
The worst we can find (lalala)
They'll have to sit and read them all
And we'll monitor their minds (lalala)
Now keep in mind they can't control
When the spam mails begin or end (lalala)
Because Chiharu used those special parts
To throw at Yamazaki’s head;
CARD CAPTOR ROLL CALL:
Naoko:
'Hi there!’
Rika:
'Oh my!'
Chiharu:
'Don’t make me hurt you, Takashi.'
YAMAZAKIIII!!!
'Trust me!'
If you’re wondering how they eat and breathe
And other science facts (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself
*It's just a MiST*
You should really just relax
For Card Captor Science Theater 3000!!!
**
THE HABITAT OF LOVE
All had been quiet in the Habitat of Love lately, partly due to the fact that the evil Dr. Eriol Hiiragazawa hadn’t sent them any new spam and partly due to the fact that Chiharu kept Yamazaki gagged a great deal of the time. But the peace and quiet had eventually given way to boredom that even the holocabana couldn’t alleviate.
After all, there are only so many things you can do in an undersea habitat.
However, that morning they were all rudely awakened by the call from Deep 13. They had stumbled into main control still in their pajamas> Chiharu muttered curses under her breath as she gave the button a smack.
**
DEEP 13
“Hello there, my little friends,” Eriol said with a smirk. “And how are we today?”
“We were a lot better before…” Chiharu muttered under her breath.
“Why haven’t you called us lately?” Rika asked. “Don’t you like us anymore?”
“He doesn’t like anyone,” said TV’s Ruby Moon.
“Bite me, Nakuru,” Eriol growled. “I’m in a bit of a hurry today so I’ll be brief. You’re assignment this week is a rant against video games by one Stephen Gohan.”
“Professional Loony,” TV’s Spinel Sun added.
“Chew on it for awhile,” said Eriol.
Ruby Moon was about to come up with a scathing remark, but decided not to and just fed the experiment into the computer.
**
THE HABITAT OF LOVE
“Oh, goody…” said Naoko. “I bet this is one of those twits who thinks Mario is at the root of all society’s problems.”
“And here I thought it had something to do with George W. Bush,” said Yamazaki.
Suddenly alarms and sirens rang out.
“OHHHH, WE'VE GOT SPAM MAIL SIGN!!!” Rika cried out.
(Door 6: It’s made of balsa wood. You shatter it easily.)
(Door 5: It swirls open from the center.)
(Door 4: It’s Chiharu’s stuffed animal collection. You awkwardly plow through them)
(Door 3: It splits into six long strips that retract into the doorframe.)
(Door 2: It’s Naoko’s book collection. The stacks waver slightly before crashing to the ground.)
(Door 1: It’s made of Microsoft™ code. Suddenly, a fatal error deletes it all.)
(Door .7: The camera pans downward where a small hatch pops open.)
Chiharu, Naoko, Yamazaki and Rika enter the theater. The four take their seats in the front row.
>Why RPGs Should be Severely Censored and Devoid of Character
>Development
Chiharu: Ticking Off The Entire Gaming Community In Five Steps Or Less.
Yamazaki: Characterization is EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIILLL!!
>by Stephen Gohan
Rika: Think he’s a Dragonball fan?
Naoko: It would explain why he’s against character development.
Chiharu: Ouch!
>Many tragedies such as that of the trenchcoat mafia occur far
>too often in this country.
Yamazaki: And the media feasting on it like vultures occurs even more often.
>More people die from gunshots in the states than many European
>countries combined. Why does this happen?
Naoko: Could have something to do with the loose gun laws.
>The cause is simpler than you might think: console-based
>role-playing games, and their characteristics.
Chiharu: Nah! I’m with Naoko-chan, it’s the loose gun laws.
>I will identify and attack their characteristics one by one.
Rika: Then the RPG gamers will hunt you down and attack you one by one.
>1) realism and FMV. This definitely has to go.
Yamazaki:<Gohan> Graphics! EEEEEEVVILLLL!!
Chiharu:<Gohan> The Lunar games are the work of SATAN!!
>Why were RPGs originally invented? Imagination.
Rika: Ummm… Okay.
Naoko: Ah… The minimalist approach to explaining things.
Chiharu: He just hopes that if he doesn’t write much he won’t be revealed as a dolt.
>What were the characteristics that made FF1 a classic,
Yamazaki: Classic what? Who’s played that game in the last decade besides bored students with emulators?
>and favorite in the FF series among many?
Chiharu: I always thought FF 6 was the best of the lot.
Naoko:<Gohan a la old man> In my day we didn’t have FMV or CGI, dagnabbit!
>Imagination and customization. Bad graphics forced us to
>fill in details and fine points by ourselves, and the story was
>whatever we wanted it to be.
Yamazaki:<FF Player> I see a bunny!
Chiharu:<FF Player> I see a President’s face!
>The plain fact is, realistic graphics and FMV make us
>subconsciously identify the game with reality itself whether we realize it
>or not,
Rika:<Gohan> I, however, have a brilliant mind and that crap don’t work on me!
>in much the same way advertising subtly influences us to buy
>certain products no matter how much we claim to be immune to
>it.
Naoko: I guess those booster shots were pointless after all
>We just aren’t, and that’s the sad truth.
Yamazaki: Very, very sad.
>Images of explosions, gunfire and death that look overly
>realistic can and will subliminally influence
>just about anyone to committ murderous acts, if too much
>exposure results.
Rika: It’s hard to sit still and be lectured by some dolt who can’t even spell “commit”.
Chiharu: Amen!
>Ineed, FF7 alone was responsible for much death
>and malicious impulses in our society.
Rika: Or “indeed”.
Naoko: Funny, most of my malicious impulses come from idiots mass mailing spelling impaired lectures on how to live my life.
>Therefore, it is logical to conclude that all FMVs should be
>wiped from future RPGs, and that graphics should be no more
>advanced than 16-bit.
Yamazaki: And dammit! Let’s bring back those bellbottoms, platform shoes and tie dyed shirts one last time!
>This may sound impossible but with enough people I think we can
>make it happen.
Naoko:<Gohan> Screw the Heart and Stroke Foundation! This takes priority!
>I can’t conceive of any less than 40% agreeing with me
>on this after my evidence presented.
Chiharu: Uhhh… What evidence?
>Realism is evil.
All: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!
Rika: The real world should be avoided at all costs! Live only in your own fantasy world!
Naoko: Methinks Steve doesn’t like to live in the real world.
>2) Character development.
>This has become a scourge among RPGs that rapidly spoil RPG
>players,
Yamazaki: Because characters should be thin, cliché and one-dimensional.
Chiharu: Sounds like the cast of “Friends” to me.
>turning them into sloth-like plot freaks who care nothing about
>gameplay and only want to be told a story or shown a movie, like
>babies.
Naoko: Yeah. No adults like to read books or watch movies or anything.
Rika: I’d be amazed if Gohan knew how to read.
Yamazaki: Based on his writing so far, I would to.
>They want to sit back, control as little as possible, fight as
>few battles and traverse as few dungeons as possible, and just
>let everything be controlled
Chiharu: Damn subservient gamers!
>(this is why Xenogears was the worst thing ever to be
>released for any system in terms of an RPG).
Naoko: Says *you*!
Yamazaki: Yeah. What with the cool characters and detailed plot and stuff.
>What causes this?
Naoko:<Gohan> No. I’m really asking. I haven’t got a clue how to explain my wildly unfocused accusations.
>Story derived from excessive character development.
Rika: God forbid the characters should seem believable, realistic or anything like that.
>Characters should be left customizable blank slates for the PLAYER
>TO FILL IN, COLOR AND DEVELOP TO HIS OWN STANDARDS; IMAGINATION
>SHOULD BE USED.
Yamazaki: SHOUTING HELPS TOO!
>Predefined character stories, especially as realistic as recent
>games, only add to the subconscious idea of the player that these
>characters are real
Chiharu:<heavy sarcasm> Yeah. Considering how *realistic* they look.
Yamazaki: The only way to look like a CGI character is to have your face laminated.
>and can be seen as role models, and are to be emulated in society.
Rika: Oh, yeah. I ran into a Cloud, a Selphie and an Elly Van Houten just last month.
Chiharu: Cosplay convention?
Rika: Natch.
>You are not immune to this influence, people. YOU ARE NOT.
Yamazaki: And if you think Gohan is going to stop his random shouting, GUESS AGAIN.
>I study advertising and its effects on the mind,
Naoko:<Gohan> Which is ironic, since I don’t have one.
>and these predefined character personalities are nothing more
>than a very subtle form of advertising.
Yamazaki: So subtle it doesn’t actually work!
>What do they advertise? Voilence,
Naoko: Whatever that is.
Chiharu: At least they’re not advertising *violence*
>mass murder and going against the will of God by destroying his
>own servants, the angels. That’s right, how many times has an
>angel been the final boss of a FF game?
Naoko: Real angels or just things with wings?
>At least twice. I assure you, this is a sick joke created by
>selfish atheists who are making fun of Christianity.
Rika: Yeah. That’s it. They’re out to insult a couple of billion Christians and about a third of their market.
Yamazaki: Okay. How about Princess Nina in “Breath Of Fire”, hot shot?
Chiharu: Ooh! Score one for Takashi!
>But that’s somewhat beside the main point, so I won’t go off
>on that tangent.
Rika: Yeah! Finish your first tangent before getting off on a new one!
>If character story and development is left to the imagination
>alone, the ideas will remain in the player’s head(being forged
>by the player himself, of course) and won’t be strong enough to
>influence him to commit murder or anything.
Naoko: So, it’s extremely dangerous to your mind, but not to the point it will really effect you… Huh?
>That is why it is so essential that RPGs go back to the old
>ways
Rika:<Gohan> Retro is in, baby!
>of the player creating his own character from his own mind,
Chiharu: Geez… Why not just make the whole game a blank screen?
Yamazaki:<Gohan> Except fore those who have no mind, like me.
>and eliminate prefedined character personalities as soon as
>possible.
Naoko: What’s a “prefedined” personality?
Chiharu: I’m not sure. But it sounds unpleasant.
Yamazaki: Well…
Chiharu: No.
>I fail to see how that many people can disagree with me here,
>whether or not they’re willing to admit it right now.
Naoko: I admit I disagree with you.
Rika: I admit I think you’re loony.
Chiharu: I admit I think you should shut up.
Yamazaki: I admit that I think you should take some remedial English.
>Think it over, people. Just think.
Yamazaki:<Biff Tannen> Anybody home?! Think, McFly! Think!
>3) Female roles in RPGs.
Chiharu: Oh, do continue, Steve…
Yamazaki:<sweatdrops> I hope his insurance is paid up.
>I’ll only touch briefly on this topic.
Rika:<Gohan> And then flee for my life from angry females
>Females shouldn’t be given roles that men are supposed to havee –
Yamazaki:<macho> Step away from that dragon, honey. That’s *man’s* work.
>Tifa is an example of this.
Naoko: What? Fanservice?
Chiharu: I bet Steve thinks Charlie’s Angels would’ve been better if Drew, Cameron and Lucy were replaced with three guys.
Yamazaki: But that would kill the only watchable stuff!
>Women should be kept as healers or magic users and not be
>scantily clothed,
Rika:<Gohan> They should be barefoot and pregnant! Now get back in that kitchen and bake me a pie!!
>or it sets a bad example efor society.
Naoko: Although not as bad as a preachy dork who can’t spell.
>Women shouldn’t be beating things up,
Rika:<Gohan> Especially not me! So knock it off !
Chiharu: In grade school, Steve got beaten by the girls so much that the bullies never got their turn.
>they should be keeping back and healing the male warriors
>who protect them.
Yamazaki: Steve seems to want things to revert to the 1950s.
Chiharu:<heavy, heavy sarcasm> Because they’re just *girls* what can they do?
>It just doesn’t fit right any other way,
Naoko: Put away the jigsaw puzzle and finish the damn rant already, Steve.
>despite all these modern feminist movements.
>This may anger some female game players,
All: YOU THINK?!
>but hey, just how many girls play games? Not many.
Naoko:<sniggers> Whatever you say, Steve
>So their opinion, while I guess it should still be considered,
>is far less important. If I’m wrong, let’s see them tell me
>I’m wrong, right here.
All:<female game players> YOU’RE WRONG, JACKASS!
>That’s really it.
Yamazaki:<Christopher Plummer> There isn’t anymore.
>I know a great many of you are secretly with me
Rika: …you sexist, right wing nuts.
>and ashamed to admit it, so speak out.
Naoko: Who does this guy think he is? Rush Limbaugh?
>And for those of you against me, I dare you to even try and
>rebut every single one of my points.
Chiharu: Where to start? The lack of evidence, the lousy spelling and grammar, the total cluelessness…
Rika:<Gohan> I’ll just sit here with my hands over my ears and shout “I am not listening! La, la, la la!”
>It may seem easy, but in the end I doubt you’ll get far.
Yamazaki: What is what everyone told Gohan about this idiot scheme of his, Alex?
Chiharu: C’mon… Let’s ditch this loony.
**
Rika let out a sigh as the group exited the theater. “Well, there goes another pathetic dope, blaming all of society’s problem on gamers.”
“I suppose it would be one thing if he were ranting against ‘Resident Evil’ or ‘Silent Hill’ or a game that contains a lot of violence,” said Naoko. “But his problem is games with well defined storylines and characters. What’s up with *that*?”
“Don’t think about it,” replied Chiharu. “Gohan obviously didn’t.”
Suddenly, the red light on the control console flashed. “Well, I wonder what Eriol wants,” said Yamazaki as he gave the button a tap.
**
DEEP 13
“Damn Gohan…” Eriol muttered as he typed furiously. “I’ll teach that little bastard to raid *my* video game collection.” Ruby Moon and Spinel Sun had long since retreated to the other side of the room. “And I was so close to finishing ‘Final Fantasy X’ too…” Eriol continued muttering insanely. “I’ll teach him to enforce his values on me. He’ll rue the day he ever learned how to hack into Deep 13…”
Ruby Moon just rolled her eyes. She glanced up at the viewscreen. “And you guys thought *you* had problems…” she muttered as she snuck past Eriol, reached over and tapped the button.
THE REAL END
(Feel free to hum ‘Catch You, Catch Me’ as the credits roll)
It’s been a long time since I wrote an episode of DFS. I hope no one minded the wait too much. As always, be sure to write if you have anything to say
-CardCaptor Schlueter (aka Syaoran-kun)
Season One:
1) The Brain From Planet Arous-A Ranma ½ Fic By Ryoucilo
2) The Mike Rhea Anthology-Ranma ½ Fics By Mike Rhea
(Loves Me, Loves Me Not/ Akane Gets Drained/ Konatsu’s First Kiss)
3) Neon Ranma Evangelion-A Ranma ½ /Neon Genesis Evangelion Fic By Khyron Kingkiller
4) Good Bye Sweet Li (Part 1)-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Lady Yuy
5) Stolen-A Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By hikaru shidou
6) Good Bye Sweet Li (Part 2)-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Lady Yuy
7) The True Power Of Love-A Card Captor Sakura Fic By poshul
8) Marco Polo-A Magic Knight Rayearth Fic By hikaru shidou
9)
10) Is It Reality Or Just A Trick?-A Sailor Moon Fic By Dr. Thinker
Season
Two:
11) The Next Generation-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By JimAndZazu
12) Caught In The Act-A Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Second Sailor Destiny
13) The Shadow Leaders-A Sailor Moon Fic By Dr. Thinker
14) Shinji’s Alter-Ego-A Neon Genesis Evangelion Fic By John82
15) Sailor Jupiter Vs. Godzilla-A Sailor Moon Fic By Flashman (Christian A. Rogers)
16)
17) No Need For CardCaptors-A Tenchi Muyo/Card Captor Sakura (CardCaptors) Fic By Christina Horton
18)
19) Mother, May I [Take Over The World]-A Pokemon Fic By Mallet Boy
20) Syaoran: Romeo… Not Really-A Card Captor Sakura Fic By Golden Eyed Dragon
Season Three:
21) Harry Potter And the Pantie Raiders-A Harry Potter Fic By Ice Blue X
22) The Unforgettable Promise-A Love Hina Fic By KenshinRC
23) To Find My Dad And Have A Family-A Card Captor Sakura Fic By MoshiMoshiQueen
24) Revolutionary Girl Asuka-A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Shoujo Kakumei Utena Fic By Joyce K. Wakabayashi
25) A Dream Come True-A CardCaptor Sakura Fic By Crystalina Rhapsody Draco
26) The Only Constant-A Star Trek: The Next Generation Fic By Stephen Ratliff
27) The Lionel Dark Anthology-Card Captor Sakura(CardCaptors)/Lord Of The Rings Fics By Lionel Dark
(Signs That Say You’re Like Lionel Dark/ More Signs The You’re Like Elle/ The Scythe Carrier)
28) The Ranma ½ Cast Does CCS-A Ranma ½/CardCaptor Sakura Fic By Matthew Cline
29) Megamon X-A Pokemon/Megaman X Fic By Brock Shale
30) Hotaru Goes To Hogwarts-A Sailor Moon/Harry Potter Fic By Saturn Angels
Season Four:
31) The Bubblehead, The Jerk And The High School-A Sailor Moon/Gundam Wing Fic By Jayde Summers
(w/ short True Search-A Shoujo Kakumei Utena Fic By SparkleOfEnergyHeidi)
32) Find You Again-A Vision Of Escaflowne Fic By winged angel
33) The XXX Files-A Shoujo Kakumei Utena Fic By Reanna R. King
34) First Release-A CardCaptor Sakura/Ranma ½ Fic By Wishbringer
35) Bubblegum Card-Ep. 3.1415-A Bubblegum Crisis/X-Men Fic By Kris Overstreet
Deep Fried SPAM:
1) Why Not Make A Little Money While Surfing The Net
2) Now Offering For Your “Sensitive” Delight… New And Improved!
3) Why RPGS Should Be Severely Censored And Devoid Of Character Development
Specials:
-Christmas Special-Under The Mistletoe/Tsubasa Gets What He Deserves-Ranma ½ Fics By Mike Rhea
-Summaries Of Suffering Vol. 1-A CCST3K Spin-off By Ciircee and Chelle-Sama
-Summaries Of Suffering Vol. 2-A CCST3K Spin-off By Ciircee and Chelle-Sama
Other MSTings:
Totally Spies Theater 3000:
Season One:
1)
What
If Meowth Was A Girl?-A Pokemon Fic
By Dr. Thinker
2)
Sailor
Trigger-A Sailor Moon/Chrono
Trigger Fic By Sailor Koban
(w/ short BB Hood’s Rampage-A DarkStalkers Fic By FlamingSmileyFace)
>Think it over, people. Just think.
Mystery Science Theater 3000
and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c)
2002 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.
Keep Circulating The Fanfics....